[journal] April 8, 2003 at 10:17:00 PM CEST

Love - Evol

Love is a feeling which usually does not last long. When love comes true very soon routine settles in and the fire of love consumes itself quickly. I mean the exciting part of love when you still don't know most of your partner. When you are still exploring each other. Wouldn't it be a good idea to try to slow down the process of falling in love in order to preserve the feeling of love the longest time possible?

There even is an analogy in listening to music here. When I love a record very much I often try consciously not to listen to the album too much. In order to preserve the value of the music and to prevent playing (loving) it to death.

I know that the concept of love I write about here is only one small part of "love" as it is generally understood. But I still think it is the most thrilling aspect of it. The reason is probably exactly the transience of this feeling.

 
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[journal] April 3, 2003 at 8:24:00 PM CEST

New saying

A woman without a man in love with her is like a flower without water. A man without a woman in love with him is like a tree without leaves.

 
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[journal] February 19, 2003 at 10:14:00 PM CET

Growing up

In the past years I have often asked myself the question when the exact point in time is when someone becomes an adult. And I never found a satisfying answer.

Some events which do not necessarily coincide with growing up:

• understanding of mortality, attending a funeral
• sexual maturity
• breaking of the voice (for males)
• majority be it at 18 or 21
• the first drink
• the first drunken stupor
• the first relation with the opposite sex (non-physical)
• the first sex
• the first job, money earned by your own hands
• your first apartment
• first car
• first trip on your own without parents/friends
• when you don't listen to rock music anymore (just joking)
• seeing someone die
• marriage
• first kid
• death of your father
• death of your mother

I think the last three events are probably the most marked changes in a life. None of the three has happened in my life yet. And actually I am still not sure if I am a grown-up. In a way my life up till now was reverse. When I was a kid I was very reasonable and felt like an adult. Mentally precocious not backed by any experience. In the last twenty years on the other hand I basically did not let slip by any occasion to make a fool out of myself. To do crazy stupid things. Without thinking too much about them before or after. One of them was to start smoking when I was 25 years old. Usually at that age people stop smoking. Not me.

Something deep inside me has been revolting against the inevitable fate that I'll be an adult one day. But instead of not growing like Oskar Matzerath in Die Blechtrommel (The Tin Drum) I opted for growing taller than most people in my environment. 1 meter and 95 centimeters. Too tall for many doors and beds, not tall enough for a basketball star.

In any case I think I know now that there is another important event which can mark the passage from youth to adulthood. It is called coming-out. Not necessarily the coming-out referring to sexual attraction to the same sex. I mean a sudden realization that something is different with you than with most other people. I for myself knew this before but I never drew any conclusions. This has just changed. That's what I hope at least.

I end this slightly mysterious and incomprehensible personal post with a line from Joni Mitchell's Strange Boy which states the charm of not becoming an adult succinctly:

 
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[journal] February 3, 2003 at 8:38:00 PM CET

Blues of an ex-smoker

"Have you got a light?" used to be my favourite chat-up line. That courageous initiative usually was the end of the conversation.

No more walking out of a stupid meeting with a fellow addict to be part of something.

And not too far in the future there will be a day when I will crave for craving a cigarette.

I know I will have to pay for being too sure of myself in the last verse but let it be a roll-up, please.

 
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[journal] January 13, 2003 at 9:52:42 PM CET

I should never have started this

You can't imagine how much I crave a cigarette right now. The nicotine patch I am wearing doesn't help at all. I can't concentrate enough to go on with my review. No. I don't want to concentrate without a cigarette. Sorry for this lamentable post. I hope these hard times will pass. In the meantime a small poll.

 
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[journal] January 12, 2003 at 9:55:09 PM CET

Day number three

is always the most difficult when stopping smoking. At least that is my experience after something like a dozen of tries. I started to write about my 2001 fave album. Listening to it didn't really help. It made me want to be amnesiac (!) concerning my past (haha!) nicotine addiction...

 
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[journal] January 10, 2003 at 8:12:18 PM CET

Not again

Sorry dear reader I'll have to bore you once again by writing on one of my favourite non-music themes.

Today was my 1st day without cigarettes. It was bloody difficult not to smoke (oh God the day isn't over will it be a bad omen to post this prematurely?). That’s a good thing. As the more difficult it is to stop the higher the chance that I won’t start again knowing how difficult it would be to stop again.

In the past it was often the contrary. Dead easy to stop and after a while (maximum about two months) I got bored and started again as I knew how easy it would be to stop again.

I know that thinking too much about the act of stopping smoking is stupid and does not increase the chances to succeed. But I love it. If I go on like this and I am quite positive I will soon I will be able to write a book about How not to stop smoking. 100% success rate. Satisfaction/money back guarantee ;-)

 
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[journal] August 13, 2002 at 12:11:00 AM CEST

When It's Over I decided to delete this entry as it was too personal.

 
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[journal] June 11, 2002 at 11:58:00 PM CEST

Sorry I am going to abuse this blog for some personal advantage for a while I'd really like a cigarette now. Wouldn't it be a nice marriage with the Erdinger Weißbier I am drinking right now? Of course it would, but I can't have everything. That's what I tell me anyways. I just post this for the Google spider, ok? God, this must be my most embarrassing post ever. And off it goes.

 
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[journal] June 10, 2002 at 11:52:00 PM CEST

The nicobeast is a rodent I am in the blog hole but I am not alone. There is an animal gnawing inside my throat with its fine, little black teeths. It is the nicobeast. And it whispers into my ear: "I stop gnawing at you if you just have one puff of a cigarette. Just one microgram of nicotine and I will leave you alone." And I answer: "No thanks. Been there, done that. Enough is enough. The vicious circle has to be broken. By the way I can hardly feel your gnawing anymore nicobeast. It almost feels like tickling now. I will starve you out little nicobeast. Only a heap of black nicotine will be left of you."

• I have to thank Hot Poop - Zappa News & Other Lumpy Gravy for linking to me.
• Recollections based on the album Doolittle, by the Pixies (long Mefi discussion on music memories in general).
• Sonic Youth interview and positive Murray Street review by Andy Gill in the Independent. Alvin from Nancy (in French) likes the album too.
• Concerts in the Rhein-Main region: 16-6 Midnight Choir in the Nachtleben in Frankfurt: Don't really know the band. They are from Norway and they sound quite epic and dark, a little bit like the early Tindersticks, but kitschier. A goth band with a crooner singing. 20-6 American Analog Set in the Dreikönigskeller in Frankfurt-Sachsenhausen: Know by Heart was one of my favourite albums last year. They are from Austin, Texas which is home of a very good independent music scene. Somewhere in between early Stereolab, Luna and Yo La Tengo. The music is more on the bright side but definitely has a psychedelic undertone. 27-6 Calexico at the AstA-Sommerfest in Frankfurt-Bockenheim (free & outdoors): Giant Sand minus Howe Gelb are best without mariachi and when they don't sound like the music to a Western film score. Joey Burns and John Convertino can play music as far out as Giant Sand if they want. Just check their Aerocalexico tour CD from last year. Jazzy improvisations and Nick Drake covers are to be expected. 27-6 Suzanne Vega in the Volkspark in Mainz (sorry Suzanne but Calexico is more tempting).

 
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