Circulus vitiosus I am still fighting with nicotine. For the time being it is a lost battle but somehow I enjoy it. Last time I posted on this (three entries down) I had not yet started smoking before 12 o'clock. Today I started at 10 am. The first cigarette of the day really cuts the day in two. Up to the first cigarette I feel like a virgin. The world is an extremely slowly moving place before the first dose of nicotine hits my brain. The first cig is like a second wake-up. Before I feel like in a world of dreams. I am very relaxed and the time passes very slowly. The later I smoke my first cigarette the lesser I enjoy it and the more it makes my head spin. Almost every night after having smoked my last cig of the day I swear to myself that I will stop tomorrow. And the next morning I really hate the smell of the smoke in my room and my clothes. I usually change clothes completely as the stench of cold stale smoke really disgusts me in the morning. There are places where I do not smoke like my car or all rooms at home except two. The last bastions which have not fallen yet. My relation to smoking is really bizarre. I think I smoke only to stop smoking later on. When I have stopped smoking I do not really miss something. I enjoy stopping smoking. It is like a challenge. My sense of smell comes back slowly. I can suddenly smell the damp leaves in the road, the bouquet of a red Bordeaux wine, the smell of cigarettes other people smoke etc. But after a while I am bored. I restart smoking which is a challenge again as the first cigarettes (maybe even hundred) are so disappointing and disgusting. But then the floodgates open wide. And I am back to my 20 or more cigarettes by day. That is when it is about time to stop again. When will it end?