My first Didion and it won't be the last. I only heard of her for the first time a couple of days ago (scroll down). Apparently she became known through her lucid critical essays on the Californian (sub)culture of the 60s which are assembled in Slouching Towards Bethlehem (that's where On Self-Respect is in!). The book I started with is her last. It came out in October last year and it is an extremely touching and captivating frank account about the year after the sudden death of her husband John Gregory Dunne from a severe heart attack on December, 30th 2003. They had been married for almost 40 years. As they were both writers they had spent more time together at home (often each one in his writing room) than couples which have "normal" jobs. And suddenly out of nowhere he dies in a second. With this book Didion tries to cope with the terrible loss. It is subjectve and matter-of-fact at the same time. She totally nails the experience of being the lone survivor.

First she tries to find what she overlooked concerning the health of her husband. What caused his death. The treatment which could have saved him. Coming along with this is the delusion that once she has found her fault he will come back. Did she not react fast enough when he had the attack? Did she not interpret his words which were hinting at a premonition of what was coming in the weeks and months before his death correctly? After a while she realises that this not accepting of the facts is temporary, is a part of the process of coming to grips with the facts. In German we call the process Didion is going through Trauerarbeit, i.e. labour of grief. In the end time will heal all wounds.

The wave structure of grief or mourning. It is not gradual, it is not biggest first and then flattening out. There are sudden peaks. And lows. The amplitudes are unpredictable.

The vortex effect. A paradox. Trying to avoid places which could rise memories. And on the other hand writing in incredible detail about those memories which entail other memories. When she didn't even go again to those places most of the time. Just anticipated them and couldn't go any more. Salz in die Wunde streuen, i.e. rubbing it in. A therapy by putting past (i.e. painful in this context) memories to paper. By describing them acutely, by reliving them in words? Freud or Janov?

This is not a criticism just something which I didn't understand. Her daughter. Why did she let her board the plane to LA when she wasn't yet back to normal health? Why did she never culpabilise herself for letting her go on the plane at least? She culpabilises herself for the most absurd things concerning her husband. But never in regard to her daughter. As she is still alive at the time? As it wouldn't help anyone? But in which way does the culpabilising because of John help anyone? Maybe as she tries to resuscitate him with it?

Three phases:

1. Not accepting the fact. Trying to find what could have left him alive.
2. Analysing precisely how he died. Reconstructing the circumstances of his death. Finally getting the results of the autopsy many months after having asked for it.
3. Letting go. Accepting the fact. This took one year.

Link: Joan Didion reads from the book and speaks about it with Christopher Lydon here on Open Source. 52 minutes. 24 megs mp3.