hi eva, thanks for your comment, i wrote that post more than seven years ago, so i didn't expect an answer anymore. somehow i am a little relieved that at least one woman experiences the same feeling of abandonment and loss after sex as me (and countless other men). that makes me feel less alone in this world. there is something i forgot to mention in the post though. maybe i did not yet perceive it at the time when i wrote these thoughts. after sex i still have the feeling of being thrown back on to me, or even more drastically being spit out of her and being sad. but in a way i cherish and enjoy that feeling of sorrow. the animalistic lust has faded and i slowly become a human again. don't get me wrong, i love the lust but i love the calm melancholy as well. do you know what i mean?

No, I can't say I understand. Personally, I crash hard, that is all. Any mundane word or gesture feels vulgar and out of place then. After a moment I collect myself and the feeling dissipates and I am back on planet earth with a bitter taste in my heart. It became such an exercise in futility that I resorted in avoiding most encounters and pretty soon I found myself in a celibate life. This was well over ten years ago (I have stopped counting.) Some could perceive my life as sad and lonely, and it is, but such is the core of human life, any perception of the contrary is just a comfortable illusion. I try to be zen about it. In my case I have to accept my cards as the predictable conclusion of a combination of bad judgment, predisposing factors, and bad luck. Of course I miss the warmth and the contact of another human being and most of all the intellectual stimulation.  Luckily, I am blessed with a very vivid imagination, and after a few years without any physical contact, I have been able to attain orgasms in my dreams without any physical stimulation... (I understand men can do that easily, but I have never heard of any woman admitting to it... then again, I probably need to go out more! Ha ha!.. Maybe we should ask women incarcerated for a long period about this interesting question: "Can you reprogram your brain to give you satisfaction in the absence of external stimuli?")  The quality of my experiences is extraordinary. I don't know if a real person could beat it or compare, it is perfect and comes WITHOUT the feeling of loss or sadness! (the only hiatus: the feeling of perfection does not last long at all... which is to be
expected I guess, or else I would never want to wake up!..)   As for the loss of contact and warmth, I compensate by surrounding myself with animals (lots of them!); and I palliate the lack of intellectual stimulation by writing! (maybe I should start a blog about people who think no company is better than inadequate company?) (It is kind of cute that you threw a bottle in the sea of the Internet and that I found it, years later. Now it is going to float out there until another curious woman finds it and realizes that she is not a freak!)  

Come now, Abelard and Heloise, it's not too late to recognize the speciousness of this impasse. It's only an honest perusal of the none too small matter of fecundity, which you've left out, that could deliver your Weltschmerz from its solipsistic rut--or at least coax admission of the antinomian tenor of your musings.

At any rate, to paraphrase Parsifal, the same weapon that wounded alone can heal. And what could be more wounding than being a species dupe, right?

You may find this page of interest: www.reuniting.info

I'm the author of a book about post-orgasm changes and their effects on the brain. My husband and I write articles about the possible science behind them too. See www.psychologytoday.com

I found this forgotten island of the Internet and I'm glad, both for Eva's or Alex's comments, they are kind of fascinating and inspirative. I know what you mean, Alex, by the change from the "animal" to the human and I also find fascinating the quote "Animal triste we are, and animal triste we shall remain", that's smart, and also true.

Tantra and Taoism suggest a way out of the impasse, albeit there's some Tao controversies and Sting made a hames of talking about Tantra:

en.wikipedia.org

What's the obsession with penetrative sex? Hands, lips and tongue is enough, surely. My tongue can go all night, but not the third leg without those toxic blue pills. Not at my age. For me, sex is usually a negotiation about how and why, not if. I've never had any problem with quantity, but the quality issue has become paramount as I've aged and the illicit pleasures of the latest paramour started to feel like a chore, not a release.

It's a relief to actually let go of the whole sexualised dogma which pervades society. Everyone used to be 'repressed and secretive' and the sex was awesome. Now, everyone's 'liberated' and a lot of sex is like fast food: ubiquitous and unsatisfying.

The Slow Food Movement and The Slow Shag Movement. Celibacy until there's chemistry. Less is more. Moderation is the new Excess. Sexual freedom means freedom from sexualised expectations. "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". Not always.

As Elvis Costello sang "pump it up, till you can't even feel it, pump it up, when you don't even need it".

Viagra! So much to answer for...

Yes, as you say, Eva: A bottle in the sea of the Internet that now it is going to float out there until another curious person finds it and realizes that she is not a freak! It is great, poetic, it moves you to another world. Reading your comment is like sailing by my own mind, but better, extraordinary... There are many certain things, especially when you speak about dreams: full but harmless. Alex: this post still lives

"Pleasure and thrill are conducive to sadness after the so-called peak has been reached; for the thrill has been experienced, but the vessel has not grown. One’s inner powers have not increased. […] One has attempted to become superhuman, without being human. One seems to have succeeded to the moment of triumph, but the triumph is followed by deep sadness: because nothing has changed within oneself. The saying “After intercourse the animal is sad” (“Post coitum animal triste est”) expresses the same phenomenon with regard to loveless sex, which is a “peak experience” of intense excitation, hence thrilling and pleasureful, and necessarily followed by the disappointment of its ending. Joy in sex is experienced only when physical intimacy is at the same time the intimacy of loving."

— "To Have or To Be?" Erich Fromm

To avoid sadness, one should avoid expecting happiness, that's for sure. The joy of sex is forced upon us by the law of reproduction. Maybe this is why non-reproductive sex is followed by sadness, some kind of implicit remorse for having taken advantage of the nature's trust? All these endowments that we so wastefully put to use to serve our short-lived cravings and pay back nothing...
Psychologically, the sadness is nothing but emptiness. There was nothing to fill the void prior to sex, yet, the lust filled the void. The lust sated, the void is out. Should we learn to give more than receive? Then we might just bask in the post-coitus bliss rather than sadness.

The phrase 'Post coitum omne animal triste est, sive gallus et mulier' is one that I find puzzling. My own (male) experience has been, overwhelmingly, post coital bliss. A peaceful gentle rush of endorphins and a general, and gentle, visceral contentment. Not feeling good after sex just means you've had bad sex. Leaving out the experience of roosters (and other non human animals), whose experience is problematically anthropomorphized by Galen, the suggestion seems to be that women always have good sex and men always have bad sex. If that's how it seemed to Galen then that's sad. But to claim that male post-coital experience is universally a state of melancholy is bullshit. Men and women both have good and bad sex. My experience is that it's mostly good for both sexes—though it is of course possible that partners, when asked, are just being polite.

hier aus weiblicher sicht je nach lebensalter: erst erwachen, dann desinteresse, heulanfälle, wut, ja hassgefühle, dann friedliche geilheit, heute: pure energie dh an einschlafen ist kaum zu denken.

ich meine, das liegt daran, ob die zervix befreit ist, ob man den partner liebt, ob man schlimme erfahrungen gemacht hat, ob man das finale alleinesein aushalten kann oder ?

keine ahnung. spannendes thema. :D

Danke, nach fast 15 Jahren nun also die zweite Antwort einer Frau. Ich sehe schon, es scheint komplizierter zu sein als bei mir, was mich jetzt nicht so wirklich wundert. Ihr seid einfach das komplexere Geschlecht. Ansonsten wäre es ja auch langweilig. Bei mir wird die sexuelle Vereinigung in letzter Zeit immer mehr zu einem Nachhausekommen und die anschließende physische Trennung macht mir nicht mehr so viel aus. Ich fühle mich satt und zufrieden und genieße die körperliche Entspannung. Das hört sich sehr banal an, aber so ist es. Ich bin auch nicht wirklich traurig darüber, dass mir der postkoitale Blues etwas abhanden gekommen ist. Das mit dem Erwachen am Anfang habe ich jetzt nicht ganz kapiert. Schläfst Du beim Sex?

LOL nö eigentlich nicht. Ich antworte mal vorsichtig: g.co

Moments of transendence remind us of what is possible. We are here to, as far as possible, extend that transcendence, joy, unity, pleasure, to all of life. It's simple, but not easy. Best wishes.